on life, relationships, loneliness and near death experiences

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“Good morning Sir, my name is doctor Strangelove, I am here to help you today. Please just take a seat and make yourself at home. There’s a glass of water just there on the table. So, as this is our first session together, I must ask first that you should introduce yourself, your life, and where did you first meet her. This is very important for me to get to know your problems on a more profound level, in order to solve them. Fear not, there is always a solution! Please, I’m listening!”

“Oh, sure, alright, I guess I can do this.. I really should start from the beginning though..
I was born one evening in late November. It was all rather violent, there was a lot of light and then suddenly I felt projected into the void. As soon as I left my mother, whom I never saw again, I felt compelled to run as fast as I could. I say compelled because I could only run, at one particular speed, and in one particular direction, as if this was all decided from the very beginning. As if my mother, or her mother, of whoever decided on the laws of this world, wrote down in their diary that all of us had a predetermined past, present and future.

Even though I couldn’t choose where to go, and which was my direction, I still could feel, look at the world around me and try to enjoy the little moments. I must tell you, I spent most of my life feeling terribly lonely. I always thought I was a social type, an extrovert. I always dreamt of a friend, or a lover. There was one time, when I actually flew very close to a beautiful creature. I saw her dancing in a shiny dress. I tried to speak to her, but she turned away and pretended I was not even there! I never understood why..

Nevertheless, my existence was quite eventful, and I cannot complain I ever felt bored. I would say I’ve been quite restless, always running around very fast, never stopping, not even to take a breath. One time I encountered on my path a strange substance, which surrounded me in a cold embrace. I had the sudden feeling I was slowing down! It was the strangest feeling! I could look around, and see everything in much more detail. I could look at shapes, and colours, in a completely new way. I grew to like this new perspective, but unfortunately it lasted very little, and before I could explore the world with my new eyes the cold embrace was over and I was back to my usual fast pace.

Later I had yet another very unusual experience. I was travelling along as always, when I saw a wall coming closer and closer. I had heard that usually, for us, this is the end. Our death is often a crash on a hard surface. Once we crash, some day, our bodies get absorbed and we donate ourselves to our receiving object. There’s an entire religious sect who believes that the point of our whole existence is simply to offer our bodies and energies to a receiver. They strive for this ending and every day they pray such that their energy will be used to excite somebody, they say. I was coming closer and closer and I closed my eyes, ready for the worst. I did not believe in this religion, I wanted to keep living, I wanted a friend, and a lover! I wanted to marry! I loved watching around and speeding through the air. The wall now was extremely close. I held my breath. I touched it.

But it didn’t happen. A moment later I was still alive! I had done a somersault. My brain was dizzy and I felt as if my body had been shaken very hard. Something felt different and it took me a while until I realised what had happened: for the first time in my life I had changed direction! For a while I thought maybe this was life after death, dizziness and a change of direction. But everything looked too real and I concluded I was not dead, yet.

After these experiences my life proceeded quite linearly. Every day the same old story. Loneliness, lack of free will, feeling lost and generally futureless. Until one day I saw her approaching. She was the most fascinating creature I had ever seen. She started calling me when I was still rather far away. “Over here, my darling! Come to me and you will finally be noticed!” she sang towards me. She promised a life together. She told me she had been waiting for me for such a long time. “are you sure, it was really me?” “Yes, it was you, exactly you! Come on baby light my fire!”.

I could not believe it. Somebody, finally, was talking to me, appreciating me, and noticing me! I could not have dreamt for a better day. I kept travelling towards her, as if an invisible force of attraction was leading me to my perfect match. I wanted her. I wanted this. I wanted to be noticed in my individuality!

We photons get such chances so rarely!

Just before reaching her, she whispered in my ears: “There are only two possibilities: yes or no”. I said “yes” and heard a faint “click” as I fell in her warm arms. “

About the Author: 
I am a PhD student in Quantum Information, passionate about education and outreach!