She’s out there somewhere

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“The first time we met...”, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself, we never really met for the first time because in one sense, we had always been together. But there is a difference between meeting for the first time and seeing someone for the first time. Then again, I don’t subscribe to the idea that time is linear either, I believe we experience everything at once and the entropic decay of the universe is how our minds make sense of things.

I’ve always known she was out there, from birth, I’ve never felt alone. Always happy with my own company. I have vivid memories; from a time before my infant brain was theoretically able to form long term memories; vivid but elusive at the same time. I remember the rain of particles from her exhaling breath on my face as she leant into me. The sense that when we held hands, the peaks and troughs of our palm prints cancelled each other out, bringing us closer together than before. Memories out of time, displaced yet belonging. I try not to dwell on them though, I’m scared that if I try to make sense of them, they will cease being memories from my future and instead, become ghosts of what might be.

I’ve lived my life among people, friends, family. I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve loved again. But I’ve always known that it’s just an illusion. There is no such thing as fate, as choice. I realised early on that life has no meaning. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, life just “is”. It’s a by product of the Laws of Physics. (I capitalise this as in a way, Physics is God), A wise man once said “I think therefore I am” but we’ve moved on since then, it’s now true to say “I exist therefore I am”.

The universe has given me the materials to make up this mortal shell and all the things that exist around me; (do they still exist when I stop looking at them?); and out of this quantum soup, a consciousness came into existence and this consciousness has chosen to be me for an incredibly short moment in the story of everything.

And that’s my point. Everything. Everything is my point. We don’t exist as individuals, we exist as one. As the hippies were insistent on telling us, we are stardust. We were forged in the depths of stars and we return to their cold black hearts when the universe dies. We are entwined, entangled with everything that ever was and will ever be, we just can’t comprehend it so instead, our brain unravels the interference of the universe and plays out our lives like a biological zoetrope that spins fast enough to make all the glimpses of our potential into the movie of our life.

Sometimes, there’s a glitch in the matrix. The crazies and the illuminated. The leaps in technologies, the untethered beauty of the great works of art and of mental collapse and depression. They’ve seen it and they dealt with it their own way.

My glitch is knowing that I am entangled to her. We are divided protons that share properties. She smiles and my heart lifts, she cry’s and my world is drained of colour.

The first time we met, was an eternity ago and my world collapsed, literally. I’d made a point of not looking for her as I knew I was already with her. Sharing the same space was nothing compared to the inter-connectivity of us. Was this love? Was love just another failed attempt by our brains to interpreting the oneness of us all? All I know is that I’d found her and she’d found me and at the same time, we would never look for each other.

But our worlds did collide.

Which brings us into the ‘now’. There’s a classic experiment, I did it at school, called The Slit Experiment. It proves that light can act as both a particle and a wave and by observing it, one probability wave collapses creating just one truth, a particle Or a wave. Black and White. It’s like a Magic 8 Ball is shaping reality, before you shake it, there are only two possibilities: yes or no. Shake it and the answer to life, the universe and everything exists in both states, Yes and No. keep shaking it and you’ll never know the truth. So we stop shaking it and we watch what happens and suddenly, we have the one true answer and another cosmic reality has been collapsed.

I was the particle and she was the wave. We were entangled for all of our existence and until we met, all our potential existed in one tangled mess of gravity and mass and energy. But as below, so is above. We exist as quantum creatures and we live by the same rules. Big Brother is always watching so when we met, the universe observed the star-crossed lovers and there was only one possible outcome....

I never believed in Destiny but we were destined to fail.

About the Author: 
Mid life drama came and went with little drama. Previously married but been single all my life. Writing has always been a dream and never a reality.