Swimming in the Depths of Grey

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My ink-stained fingers trembled as I scratched the date onto the canvas.
The question consumes my mind.
A discord in the lullaby of a pianist.
The endless waves of possibilities for my future come crashing down on me all at once. What will I find at these depths?
I try to keep my head above the rising water, but within a few seconds I am engulfed into the depths of uncertainty.
For how long will I be able to hold my breath until my lungs were full of this madness?
The cobalt, turquoise, indigo sea.
How much of my time had I wasted? Why am I consumed with sadness?
The potential that runs through my veins is slowly dying out.
The adrenaline tries to shake me; it struggles to keep me alert and fighting on.
With each beat of my heart and with each pump of blood the certainty of my purpose dies out.
After each battle, there is a new dawn.
For how long have I been suffocating? For how long have I been keeping the ocean within me contained and restricted?
A war within my soul, a struggle unpredictable.
He waited patiently for the "right time" to chain our hearts together. Our chain had weathered and rusted many years before.
When he asked me that one question, I hesitated, and walked out the door.
I needed time to think, to process, to feel. Is this the life I had truly dreamed?
Can my soul still be redeemed?
There are only two possibilities: yes or no.
But not everything is black and white.
The shades of grey paint over my life. Each day is a new fight.
I picked up the paintbrush and beat the colors of the ocean onto it.
The palette of my life dripped off the canvas.
I raised my head. I understand this,
That my relationship with myself is the definition of true love.
For too long I have been swimming in the shades of grey.
And now it is time for me to rise above.

About the Author: 
Student at Stony Brook University. First generation and first student of my family attending university. Majoring in Biochemistry. Plan to pursue medicine and join Doctors Without Borders.