Observational Humor: a quantum sitcom

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It’s early evening at the H-Bar. Bob sits alone, with only a single glass of beer and his quantum laptop in front of him. Carlos comes in and joins him.
Carlos: “Hey, Bob. What’s up?”
Bob: “Sorry, I can’t stop texting Alice. She’s been in China for a month now, and I miss her so much!”
Carlos: “Wow. You guys are pretty entangled, huh?”
Bob: “Maximally.”
Carlos: “Whoa.”
Cut - meanwhile in China…
Alice (to her nosy friend Eve): “Maximally!”
Eve: “Whoa.”
Alice: “Actually, I think he might propose!”
Cut back to the H-Bar:
Bob: “ – propose a scheme for faster-than-light communication with her!”
Carlos: “Bob, but – “
Bob: “Look Carlos, I know you don’t approve of this. But I love Alice, and I can’t stand being apart from her, even for a femto-second. I want our world-lines to come together, forever.”
Carlos: “But Bob, that’s illegal! And also pretty gross. Besides, you know how Dave feels about this kind of stuff.”
Just as Carlos mentions him, Dave, the scary-looking owner of the H-Bar, appears.
Dave: “Hey Bob! What are you doing with that?” (points at Bob’s quantum laptop)
Bob (frightened): “Oh, you know… nothing classically-forbidden.”
Dave: “Don’t lie to me. Are you trying to signal?”
Bob: “Well, ummm…”
Dave: “There are only two possibilities: yes or no.”
Bob (sheepishly): “Yes.”
Dave: “What do I always tell you guys? I’m not a cop, I don’t care if you’re an arms dealer or whatever. But this is a local bar, so take your nonlocal crap someplace else. Read the sign on the wall: NO SIGNALLING!”
Bob: “Sorry Dave. I’ll keep it subluminal.”
Dave (as he walks away): “You better. Or else…”
Bob (to Carlos): “Hey, what if I create a perfect replica of Alice, and – “
Dave (yells from a distance): “And no cloning, either!”
Bob: “Dammit.”
Carlos: “Bob, I think Dave is right.”
Bob: “I’ll do it from my office on Monday, I have a fiber there.”
Carlos: “Are you insane? You’d get yourself fired!”
Bob: “I’ll just have to risk it. I don’t expect you to understand, you’ve never been entangled with a girl for more than a week.”
Carlos: “But that doesn’t mean – “
Bob: “I have to go, Carlos. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Carlos seems disappointed as Bob finishes his beer with a single sip, grabs his laptop and walks out.
In the next scene, Carlos sits by the bar and talks to Dave. Carlos is drunk, and there are a couple of empty glasses next to him.
Carlos: “So what do you think I should do?”
Dave: “Well, if this Alice girl keeps getting between you guys, I say you break them up!”
Carlos: “Yeah! That’s exactly what I should do. But how?”
Dave: “You said they were maximally entangled, right?”
Carlos: “Yeah, so?”
Dave: “So disentangle them.”
The following morning, in Bob’s apartment, Carlos knocks on the door. Bob opens it.
Carlos: “Hey man, I’m sorry for last night. Alice makes you happy, so I’ll try being more supportive.”
Bob: “Thanks. Hey, I was just about to have breakfast. Do you wanna come in and join me?”
Carlos: “Yeah, sure.”
Carlos shuts the door behind him and sits at the table next to Bob. As they eat, Carlos keeps staring at Bob.
Bob: “Is everything alright?”
Carlos: “Yeah, I’m just observing you.”
Bob: “Observing? What do you – “
Carlos: “Bob, is your spin up or down?”
Bob: “Down.”
Both men suddenly become quiet as they realize what just happened.
Bob: “You measured me! No! Oh my god, this is so bad!”
Carlos: “This is great! You’re finally free!”
Bob: “You disentangled us! Why would you do that? You’re such a jerk!”
Carlos: “I did it because you’re my friend, Bob, and you keep obsessing over some girl across the ocean when there’s plenty of girls down here at the H-Bar.”
Bob: “Carlos, I would like you to leave.”
Carlos: “Bob, this is for your own good – “
Bob: “Go away. Now.”
Carlos: “Fine.” (gets up and leaves the apartment)
That afternoon, again at the H-Bar.
Dave: “You’re a terrible friend, man.”
Carlos: “What?! Dave, you’re the one who told me to do it!”
Dave: “Yeah, well, didn’t you notice I was really drink at the time?”
Carlos: “No!”
Dave: “Too bad. Anyway, yeah that was really uncool of you. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want Bob to do that nonlocal stuff either. But disentangling them was you crossing the line.”
Carlos: “The line. The world-line! That’s it!  I know how to make it up to Bob! Thanks Dave!” (Carlos gets up and runs outside)
Dave (shouts): “Oh no it’s fine, you can just leave! No need to pay for lunch or whatever…”
Back at Bob’s apartment, Bob opens the door for Carlos.
Carlos: “Bob, before you say anything – I’m really sorry. You’re my friend and I want you to be happy. That’s why I bought you a plane ticket to China, so you and Alice can re-entangle!”
Bob: “Thanks Bob, that’s really nice. But unnecessary.”
Carlos: “Why? What’s the matter?”
Bob: “After you left this morning, I called Alice on a classical channel to tell her.”
Carlos: “And?”
Bob: “Apparently, Alice and I weren’t really entangled. She met someone new in China. Some guy called Frank.”
Cut to the first scene in China:
Alice (to Eve): “Maximally!”
Eve: “Whoa.”
Alice: “Actually, I think he might propose!”
Eve: “Oh my god, that’s great! I’m so happy for you and Frank. But… when are you gonna tell Bob?”
Cut back to Bob’s apartment.
Bob: “They didn’t know for sure, so they took the Peres test. They got the results back yesterday. They’re entangled.”
Carlos: “I’m so sorry.”
Bob: “I know.”
They hug.
Carlos: “Hey, you know what would cheer you up? Last night Dave and I invented a new cocktail! It’s a democratic superposition of gin, whiskey, rum, tequila, …”
Fade to black as Carlos keeps listing drinks.

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MSc. student from Israel